ccccc	This information attempts to cover some basic etiquette guidelines for interacting with transpeople in casual contexts. For information on dating and intimate situations, check out Raven Kaldera's How to Get Your Hands on a Transman and The Transwoman's Boudoir, and How to Get Into It.	ccccc
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ccccc	Trans Etiquette: You, too, Can Not Be A Jerk Some people have asked me how they can avoid offending me, or avoid offending other trans people. Here are some examples of offensive and non-offensive things to say and do. Offensive Screwing up pronouns. This is your number one proving ground for living up to your values. People have long told me that it's just hard for them to get pronouns right. They've been raised this way or that, or they're accustomed to this or that manner of speech. I do not put any stock in this line of reasoning. This is why. I think that pronoun correctness comes from an understanding of its importance, not one's degree of gender programming. After all, transpeople were raised just like average people, with the same linguistic and gender identification training. Yet transpeople tend to never screw up pronouns. Beyond the gender deprogramming they've experienced as a result of their identity, it comes down to knowing how much it matters--viscerally & emotionally. After sitting in a circle with other activists and hearing myself referred to many times over with the wrong pronoun by folks who knew better, I brightly brought up the following concept. What if every time one got someone else's pronoun incorrect, they lost a finger? How many times would it take before the confusion got cleared up? My guess is not very long! Understand this as a central point in this pronoun business: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND OR AGREE in order to call someone by the pronoun they prefer. We will never completely understand the way another human being experiences reality. Humans experience their genders, among other parts of their identity, in complex and mutable ways that are not always translatable or explainable. By respecting someone else with the words we use for them, we communicate our respect for humans as a whole, for the diverse and hidden things that make up our experience of reality, and for ourselves. Non trans (cisgender) people, sometimes because they are queer or crossdress, assume that they understand transgender and can define other people's lives or advise them. From a queer, biomale stranger at a party that had been hitting on me: "You know, you don't have to be transgendered." I can guarantee you that transpeople have given their identities plenty of thought and are doing what they feel is best. You insult their intelligence and common sense by assuming you know better than they do about a very complex issue! There may come a time when you can ask some questions, but always do so with a genuine intent to learn. Never approach the issue as if you are entitled to answers--you're asking a favor, and you might be turned down. There are books and internet resources you can use to educate yourself. -Telling the transperson that they would be attractive if they ____/ had a (body part) or that they are attractive for or as a (guy/girl, which ever they do not identify as). If you think the person is attractive, say so. If not, shut up. Trans people are not on display. -Keep in mind that talking about hormones, surgury, sexual parts, dysphoria, etc., may be easy for you, but it is not easy for trans people. The trans person you just met probably is asked to explain things about their personal feelings, body, and sexual identity everywhere they go. Your curiousity comes second to their comfort and security. There may be times when asking personal, gender-related questions may make a trans person feel very unsafe, especially if the questions cause other people nearby to focus on that person. Oh, and it sure as hell doesn't put us in the mood. So don't try to incorporate it into foreplay. -Over-emphasizing words that correctly name the person's gender. For example, you've just found out Person X is a transman. You call him "Sir" or "guy" in practically every sentence, with obvious over-emphasis. This is the person's gender, not a joke or a performance, and they aren't doing it to be cute. Not offensive -Asking respectful questions at respectful times. You could ask a transperson you just met what their pronoun preference is. If you get to know them better, you might politely ask what their gender identity is. These are private questions. They are not for yelling out in crowded rooms. Questions like "Are you going to have/have you had the surgury," "What kind of parts do you have," and "How do you like to have sex," are not appropriate at this stage of social interaction. You do not have an offhand right to know about a transperson's hormonal, surgical, anatomical, or sexual status. If you're going to be having sex with the person, these questions become more appropriate. Ask them nicely. -Giving trans people money. A lot of trans people are poor and need some money. (This was a suggestion for "How to Be an Ally to Transpeople" at the Maine Youth Summit.) -Having consensual sex with transpeople -Giving gender-appropriate compliments or insults. For example, if you like a transwoman, you might try "pretty," "beautiful," etc. For a transman, handsome works best. Stud works ok too. For insults, transmen can be called "bastards," "dicks," "motherfuckers," etc. Transwomen may prefer terms like "bitch" and "cunt." Don't insult a person's (trans)gender just because you're mad at them. That's low. -Correcting the use of an incorrect pronoun. There's no need to apologize or make a scene if you slip. The trans person is likely to forgive you, especially if they're sober. If you need to apologize because you really want to make the person feel better, just get it right next time. One thing that a few people have done that was incredibly awesome was that they acted like they'd just screwed up a cisgender person's pronouns (and that happens, too.) They laughed at themselves as if they'd done something ridiculous and nonsensical. Example: "Sorry, I'm so drunk, I can't talk right"/"Pff, I just realized I called you ma'am earlier, I'm totally out of it today." etc. -Respecting a trans date or friend's need to leave a situation. People who are at higher risk have a strong "danger signal." People who are in less vulnerable social positions, like straight white men, may never have developed this kind of intuition.	ccccc